Squibble

Duo

Originally uploaded by geetanjalic

Never forget that you have to keep the flames burning. Whether of anger or of love or both.

I didn’t think it was easy to pack passion (for anything) away into a little part of my heart and let it remain there. I forgot that it defines me, drives me – cornily, makes me feel like an Arien. I didn’t think it was so easy for me to slip into all these roles where passion, anger, surges of hot emotion have no place. Where I have to think, weigh, calculate without losing my cool, without melting.

Where I should talk instead of scream (which is what I really want to do), where I have to ask instead of accuse (so easy, so gratifying), where I have to stay balanced and basically remember that ”I’m a teenager, it’s my birthright to lose control” doesn’t work anymore.

Because, even if this is who I am meant to be, passionless-and-flameless, I believe John Mayer when he wisely says ”Who says I can’t take time?”

DSCF6070

Originally uploaded by geetanjalic

Sitting in my new room at the new place. Still a couple of days before we move, and the smell of “new house” is giving me a headache ( or maybe its all the episodes of Castle I’ve been watching today). It’s quiet here, I can hear crickets – strange sounds for a city girl, I tell you.

Mixed feelings, but still, feelings. More later.

Now that I think about it, somewhere along the way I have stopped dreaming things for myself. Practicality (I think) seems to seep in far too early before anything is able to set and my subconscious empties the contents of half-formed wishes into the drain before I can even take proper notice of them.

This is not a good thing, I have aspirations, but they are real. Achievable and safe, not wild and daring as they probably should be at my age. When I was younger, at least I wanted to get into the stormy turbulent life of a “writer” but I don’t even say that anymore when I have to seriously consider where my life is going.

I believe I am stuck in a rut.

BE THERE!

I sit here in a sea of numbers, for once they please me and almost everyone else. I sit in class, breaking rules, as I message the fractals, the grades. 26/30, three A+’s.

I’m not ashamed to admit these are new, novelty. This wasn’t the case always. I’m happy now, but I wasn’t unhappy then. Call it callousness, call it suppression, call it whatever the hell you want. I curse now, I cursed then. I eat chaat from the roadside, and I survived typhoid. I ate at an expensive restaurant, and I recovered from gastroentitis.

I fight with my boyfriend, my father, my mother, my dogs and even my cat. I fight, I insult, I abuse. I throw words, harsh and unforgivable, and in turn I get them thrown back at me. And I learn to live, to sustain, to rebuild. Physics runs through me as I traverse through being malleable, brittle, transparent and opaque all at the same time. I know I’m living, as I jostle through the sweaty armpit women in the front of the bus as they glare at me. I glare back.

I know I’m living when I see you. With your obsession for marks, your refusal to bunk class, clinging on to every definition of ‘a good girl’ that you can find. Lets go for a movie. No. Lets go out. No. Lets – No no no no.

I want to shake you. Rattle you, pull you out of the haze that surrounds you, that makes you think your marks card will get you everywhere. It wont. Even if it does, I wouldn’t want to be there, if all it means is go to college, attend class, go home. You look at me strangely when I ask you what you’re going to tell your children when they ask you about college. Did you bunk class, Mom? No. Did you see that movie, Mom? No. Did you – No no no no.

And you sigh and shake your head.

”We wont get attendance”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I may come from the same town as a certain anti-Valentine’s day character, but hey, there are some of of us who’d like to think we make up for the bad cookie’s from the factory

I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, so here goes my list of Top 5 all-time favorite love songs !

Bed of Roses – Bon Jovi

While we’re talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and the truth and
What you mean to me
And the truth is baby you’re all that I need

This song is very, very special! There is no way I can begin this list without this song being right on top. When I listen to this song, it reminds me of new beginnings, of realization, and of conversations in the rain

Run – Snow Patrol

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we’ll make it anywhere
Away from here

Ah, Grey’s Anatomy! I watched a fanvid of Meredith and Derek somewhere, and it had this song in the background. I thought it was a perfect fit ! This song is so full of the pain of impending separation, and yet it’s hopeful at the same time.

Say it Right – Nelly Furtado

Oh you don’t mean nothing at all to me
No you don’t mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me

Ok so this may not be a typical love song, but it’s so full of energy! There was a time when I would listen to this song at least 6 times a day, and I felt like getting up and dancing every time! There’s no innocence in this one, just an amazing sense of seductiveness.

Ee Tanavu Ninnade – Raghu Dixit

I admit, I don’t understand every word of the song but I do get the gist of it , and boy do I love it! I love the music in this song – it supports Raghu’s voice beautifully, making the song so powerful! I first heard this being played live on Christmas Eve ’08 and I will never forget the ambiance OR the excellent company

Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing – Aerosmith

And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming
Wondering if it’s me you’re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we’re together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

June 2, 2007 – a date I will never forget! Aerosmith at Palace Grounds – this show changed my life forever! They didn’t play this song, unfortunately, but it’s my all-time favorite Aerosmith song so I had to put it in Although, looking at the circumstances, I really should be putting in Pink as well !

There’s a distance, I can feel it almost fall through it, it’s so wide. You with your world, and me with mine.

Never the twain shall meet.

I sit and talk, but its taxing, pushing my brain to find something to say that will make you feel like it’s me again. I know you’re looking for traces of our walks to the fence, of the draining discussions, of the reels of notes we wrote in class. I see you scanning what I say, looking for a meaning that’s more than on the surface. I know it’s not possible, but thats all I am now.

You have snow, and I have sun in winter and rain in summer. You have classes I can only dream about attending, and I have home that you miss.

We never saw this coming. We knew changes would come, but never saw the gap between your meanings and my understanding of them. We never saw the question in our minds that we are too afraid to voice:

Who are you, and why don’t you understand me anymore?